Why

     Hey everyone, so I know that I haven't posted in about six months and I also know as well as you that I probably wont post for a while after this so, I thought I'd make this one pretty special.  Before or after you read this click on the link and watch Jake's story. http://www.hopeafterhope.com/ I dedicate this post to my Aunt Lisa, Uncle Brett and Jake.

     I realized that a lot of things happen in life that you can't really explain or control. You never know what lurks around the corner. My Aunt is an amazing person, she has been through so much since Jake. I don't know how to put this into words but I will try. After she lost Jake, I was stuck in a sort of pit. I was so sad and couldn't even begin to imagine why he had to leave, why couldn't stay with us. It was so hard for me to understand, it's still hard for me to understand.

     I kept thinking to myself, "he'll never get  to meet his family", "he'll never walk or say his first word, laugh, play peek'a'boo, enjoy life itself." As a child you can imagine how hard it is to realize why; why he had to leave. I cried so much and for so long, in fact sometimes I still cry, but I know now that its okay to cry. My mom, she helped me so much, every time I started to question things she was there. I love you so much mom.

     My Aunt lost Jake at 7 months. He came into this world on 4-1-14, he left that same day. He may have left this world even before. I never got to meet Jake Edward, a little boy who will never know, a little boy we will never know. My Aunt and Uncle stayed strong, they stayed together, they are amazing.

     Not to long ago, about 10 -12 weeks, my Aunt found out she was once again pregnant. We were all so happy and scared at the same time, I cried so much out of joy. I was so excited, I prayed every night in fear the same thing would happen to this new little bundle of joy as happened to Jake. Everyone said it would be fine, they said these kind of things don't happen twice. There is only one thing I can say about that; you never know whats around the next corner, you cant say what will happen next. I was left with that same question: Why?

     I cried when I found out. Again, another little baby who we never knew and will never know. I was stunned when I found out. I wasn't just sad this time I was mad. I was annoyed. Everyone said it would be okay, everyone said it wouldn't happen again, that this time we would get a little baby. They all jinxed it, they all lied to me. I was so angry and confused, I was so hurt. I am an emotional person, sometimes I can be too emotional, I can just say I'm sorry. I'm sorry these babies are not here. I'm sorry I was mad. I'm sorry I felt they lied.

     Now I dedicate this to my Aunt, Uncle and Jake not because its about them, but because it's how I feel, it's how I think, it's my dedication to the two little ones who never got to experience life. I am so thankful for all I Have and I know how little I could have but I don't I have more. I love my life even if I can't explain it or am confused or mad at some of the things that happened in it I love it. Aunt Lisa you are my greatest inspiration you never lost faith you kept trying I love you to the moon and back.